Living an authentic life was not something that came easily to me. For more than fifty years I worked diligently to achieve my goals. I pushed, and struggled, and toiled. Raised by depression era parents, I lived a pattern of behavior I learned from early childhood – survival. Desperately trying to do the “right thing” I attempted to climb the ladder of success. It never felt like me and I fell backward often.
A war raged within me, even as I aligned my actions with “respectable” goals. However, what I thought I should be and do was radically out of alignment with who I really am. Every step I took was accompanied by inner conflict. I suffered from depression, my relationships were tumultuous, and my success non-existent, at least the way I measured it then.
An Authentic Life
Perceived failure brought me crashing down again and again, until at last, the rug was pulled out from underneath me, and I found myself at the bottom. The Universe had intervened on my behalf, though it didn’t feel like it at the time!
I did know that it was time for me to either solve the riddle of my life or die trying. I think this time comes for all of us. We reach a point where everything we push to make happen doesn’t and we finally reach out for the helping hand of fate. If we relinquish control, let go of the steering wheel of our lives and walk with a different sort of guidance, we are lead out of the chaos we’ve created with our over-active minds and into the land of peace.
We have the most to give the world when we give from who we are. This does not have to be well defined, a calling, a job, or some clear pathway. It more about understanding that we are simply to show up in love, honesty and truth wherever we are. Who we are on the outside must match with who we are on the inside. Our authentic self is our best self. That’s it. That’s all we are here to do.
INNER VOICE CALLING
Perhaps, I was drawn to this point of view because I was so unable to accept myself as I truly was! Most of us struggle with authenticity to some degree or another. I felt hemmed in on every side, longing to burst from the very cage I put myself in. I had not a clue how to do it.
That is until I began to hear my inner voice, the one that was speaking to me all along, calling to me, nudging me forward. It was a voice that said “oh, I want to do this!” and “oh, this is so much fun!” My inner voice knew what it wanted and what it didn’t want. It was my mind that played me for a fool and made me miserable. The shoulds and oughts and suppose tos that parents, siblings, friends, teachers and the whole entire culture shouted at me to do. For some people this works. For me, not so much. I heard the rhythm of a very different drum.
DJS 2020